This Is The Way We Bond
by shokai
Summary: Karin is sick and tired of her father and brother's bonding sessions. She decides to teach them a lesson in real bonding. Will she succeed, or regret it forever? Rated for some language.


**A/N:** "Me no own Bleach, therefore, teeth yellow." – Foreign Book of Counted Troubles

Hello everyone! I want to start off this fic with a short passage from a chain mail I received a while back. I thought it was hilarious.

_"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" _

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Kids. Gotta love them. On with the fic! Yes, there are kids in it.

…………………………………………………

Karin groaned at the sound of her father and brother duking it out that morning as usual, something that's gone on for years now but something that's never failed to get on her everlasting nerves. For God's sake, weren't they adults? Was this the way adults were supposed to act, and in front of children no less?

"Would you two cut it out?" she called out to them, even though she knew she wouldn't be heard or acknowledged. "Can't a girl eat breakfast in peace without her father and brother opening a can of whoop-ass every morning?"

Sounds of screaming and furniture crashing were her only answer.

Yuzu looked over at her scowling sister and gave her a knowing smile while dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and cooking…all at the same time. Sometimes, Karin was stupefied at how Yuzu did these things. Her sister was a better housewife than their late mother.

"You know you can't stop them from their morning ritual, Karin-chan," Yuzu said lightly, with a bounce in her step through the multi-tasking. "Besides, you said so yourself. It's their way of bonding, father and son."

"Argh! I know I said that before, but that was then and this is now, and right now, I couldn't care less if they were trying to bond themselves lit-" she stopped abruptly, eyes going wide.

Yuzu frowned at her sister.

"Karin-chan? What is it?"

A diabolical smile slowly crept up the dark-haired sister's face.

"Karin-chan?"

"Hehe. I just though of a way to teach those two baka-heads a lesson they'll never forget."

"Huh, what do you mean?"

Karin leaned forward and rested her chin on her hands, her eyes sparkling.

"Listen, and listen good."

……………………………………….

The next morning found Kurosaki Karin in a much better, almost jovial, mood. She even woke up earlier to boot.

Yuzu was up to her usual superhuman tricks. Karin didn't know how, but the other sister was always up and about long before the former was, no matter how early she woke up. It was kind of spooky. At the moment though, the fair-haired sister was in her own room, after having made breakfast. She claimed she didn't want to be a part of Karin's "grand plan" and was going to stay out of sight for most of the day.

Besides that, the only thing missing from that blessedly quiet morning was the sound of the "Good morning, Ichigo!" butt kicking, but Karin knew that would soon change. In fact, this time she was counting on it; she wouldn't miss this for the world.

At long last, the fun began.

It started with cussing, partially muted since the guys were over in Ichigo's room. Then, the sound of flesh beating against flesh. Grunting followed. The noise got louder and louder as the two bondin' boys punched and kicked their way into the dining area. Karin, calmly sipping her milk, automatically ducked as a rogue foot swooped by her head.

Another one of the million things she never understood about those two: they never finished their 'bonding' in the same room they started it.

'Operation: Bond Dad And Brother' has begun, Karin thought as she happily ate her breakfast. Now, to just wait.

She didn't have to wait long. Soon, the cries of battle behind her became howls of alarm and confusion as a small explosion ripped through their living room. Karin wiped her mouth with her napkin and stood up from her chair.

Turning around, she blinked and swept her eyes across the room, then up at the ceiling. A grin formed.

_Damn, I'm good!_

"'Operation: Bond Dad And Brother'…success!" she exclaimed, strutting closer towards the big blob that was stuck to the roof.

"WHAT THE HELL?? Karin, what did you do?" Ichigo cried from his position in the tangled, sticky mess.

"Krn. Grumrphrumeminem!!" Isshin mumbled the best he could; Ichigo's hand was mashed against his face.

Karin stood where she was, mesmerized by the sight above her.

Wow, I didn't know it would work this well, she thought as she studied her handiwork. Her father's hands were stuck to her brother's head in a way that suggested he was about to flip her brother over, but overall, it looked like the younger Kurosaki was winning the fight at the point of the plan's finale. Isshin's feet were the only parts of him that were hanging down like a ceiling decoration. The rest of his body was plastered up against the roof with parts of Ichigo stuck to him.

Karin winced as she noticed that her brother's right foot was also firmly attached to her father's rear end. Ouch.

"Well, that worked pretty well," she finally remarked.

"What the hell is this crap?!"

"Unnnnrrrrruuuurrrrrruuuunnnn!!"

"It was a krazy glue trap. I set it up right in the middle of our living room."

"What?! Karin, get us down from here, right now! What the hell were you thinking?" Ichigo yelled.

"Mrphrubafroma!"

"Sorry, no can do. Now listen up, both of you. You have to stop this freakin' childishness once and for all. It's really getting old, and I'm really getting tired of having to dodge feet in the middle of my meal."

The complaints started up again, but Karin quickly silenced them.

"No. There's going to be some changes around this house. It's high time I did something about it. I want the two of you to think about what you've done while you're up there, and while you're at it, think about how you're going to contribute to bringing about these changes in our home. And no, I don't want to hear a peep out of you all day long. _Do you understand?_"

Stunned silence.

"I SAID, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

"Yes, ma'am," Ichigo answered meekly.

"Refrm," Isshin echoed quietly.

"Good." Karin started walking towards the front door. "I'm meeting the guys for a game. I'll be back in a little bit." The door slammed behind her…

…and the sound echoed through the house. It was a hollow, mournful sound.

For a while, there was quiet stillness. Then it was soon broken by the sound of whimpering.

"Mrsukk… (sniff) rukurumphwuwushukomuuuuuu…(sniff, sniff)"

"What good is whining to mom, teme?" Ichigo snorted. "She not here. And besides, that brat is _your_ daughter, too. Take responsibility!"

"Rusrhumphrmershukunu!!"

"Hey, I'm not the one jumping on people's heads first thing in the morning! Teme, what kind of father does that to his hard-working son?"

"Grmru, shrumu."

(sigh) "Yeah, I guess you're right. This isn't the time to be arguing. We need to think of a way out of this mess."

They were quiet for a moment.

"Urk, ermshr."

"Ah, crap. Don't say that. I mean, I guess I wasn't completely in the right, either. We both have a lot on our minds, I'm sure."

"Sheshu."

"Anyway, pops, uh…I'm, uh, sorry for calling you teme."

"Sheshoki."

"And for being late to the dinner table."

"Sheshoki."

"And mostly for where my foot is right now."

"…Sheshoki."

Silence.

"Hey, you know, I think that's the most normal conversation we've ever had."

(grunt of agreement)

"So maybe Karin did us both a favor here."

"…"

"Uh, maybe not?"

"Urshurkumurshophukrudurkomashi!!"

Ichigo smirked and nodded.

"You're right, pops. Once we get out of here, that kid's going to wish she'd never been born. Let's prepare a surprise for her triumphant return."

Isshin giggled in maniacal glee, causing a dribble of drool to run down his mouth and onto Ichigo's hand.

"Shit! Ahhh, gross! That's freakin' disgusting, I…what the? Hey, my hand came off a bit. Ha! That's it! Mass produce the slobber, pops. I think we found our ticket out of here."

……………………………………………………

A few hours later, Karin came back home to find an ambush waiting for her. Or, at least that's what she thought it was.

With a twitch in her eye, she stared at the thing that was her dad and brother. Somehow, they had gotten themselves loose from the ceiling, but it looked like their clothes were still stuck to each other. And for some reason, they were drenched in shiny spit, with chunks of white, yellow, and green here and there.

"That's totally disgusting!" she squeaked, shuddering. "Uh, I mean, hi guys, hehe."

The slime monster pulsed and turned fiery red.

"It's payback time, you little witch."

"That's right, Karin. Daddy's feeling like he wants a little quality time with his favorite girl. How about a little wrestling?"

At that, Karin took off running down the hall towards her room. With a loud cry, the slime monster followed. Karin screamed, which brought Yuzu out of her room.

"Karin-chan? What's wron- ungh!" she was interrupted as Karin crashed into her and they both went flying. They landed a few from Karin's door in a tangled heap of arms and legs.

Karin struggled to untangle herself, sputtering in panic. Yuzu sat up dazed.

"What-?" Then she caught sight of something horrible.

She screamed.

At the sight of the other sister, Ichigo hesitated in his pursuit, trying to slow them down, but Isshin pressed on, dragging his son along with him at a wicked, unrelenting pace.

"Yuzu!" he yelled. "I'm sorry darling, but you're going to have to sacrifice yourself for a higher cause!" With a roar, he and Ichigo leaped into the air towards the girls.

Karin screamed.

Yuzu screamed.

Ichigo screamed.

………………………………………..

And it was, through Karin's ingenious plan, the single most disgustingly memorable bonding experience their family ever had.

………………………………………..

Fin

**A/N:** I know, I know. I took some liberties with the physical properties of krazy glue. I really don't think Kurosaki spit is a good adhesive remover…but who knows? Thanks for reading!


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